Over the last month I haven’t posted much. Well, probably more than the last month. Okay, definitely more than a month.
For the last year and a half I spent much of my time staring ahead, keeping my eyes firm on the light at the end of the tunnel. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and constantly worried I would never actually get to the end. Of course I did, I made it through the tunnel, into the light and I graduated.
Of course, I was initially elated. I was done, and I was extremely relieved. I just wanted to be relaxed, and enjoy my moment. Eventually reality set in and I realized, I was done.
It seems like it should be a good thing, realizing I finished something big. I know I should be proud, and excited for the next stage of my life. Instead, as soon as reality set in I was overwhelmed with terror.
What am I doing next next? What should I do next? What have I been doing with my life up until now? Am I where I should be in my life? Am I going anywhere?
What comes next for me?
So, yeah. I haven’t been posting much due to a minor existential crisis.
I had thought to share that fact with you, but thinking it was too much. After all, who am I to whine about my problems? Of course I am not perfect, and I do not have the level of privilege that some may assume, I have a roof over my head, I am a citizen of a free country, and I have the means and opportunity to not only get an education, but also travel, and occasionally sit at a computer and ramble on about my life, even though I am well aware of the fact that my ramblings do not help anyone in any way. My problems are nothing compared to the people who are starving, or who live with horrible illnesses. I know that, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about my own problems.
I try to think about what I should do next, and I begin to feel overwhelmed. The two most obvious answers, get a job or continue with school, are both slightly out of the question. I live in a small area with limited work options and no current availabilities, in or out of my career field. Additionally as much as I would like to continue on with my education, I’m not exactly prepared to embark on the journey towards my doctorate degree. Which leaves what? What do I do now?
I came through the tunnel, but I am still have no idea where I am. Somewhere along the way I lost my focus, and I can’t seem to find it. Worse than that, I’m not sure what my focus should be. Should I make my focus my writing? Should I pour myself into the blog, or spend hours sewing, or get deep into exercise and fitness and run for hours every day? What do I do?
Sadly, I am not writing this down because I have any answers to share. I have nothing. This post is little more than a whine. The most I hope this will do is allow me to let go of a little of the frustration and move on.
So there is where I have been. Hopefully it’s not where I will stay for long.